Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
