you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize