Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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