Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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