Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
someone owes me an orgasm
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
She's the barista slut.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
