You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
