I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I want a musical about memes.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize