I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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