the new term for farting is butt boxing.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I could make wine with my vomit
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
