Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
