Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize