I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
