Sry I called you an 8
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
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