She just used a chaser for red wine.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
cat food counts as protein by the way
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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