he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
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