I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
