If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
