I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
