if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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