i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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