Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
