my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
