textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
