Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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