If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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