i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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