i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize