There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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