This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
