A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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