Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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