Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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