i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
