You're so nebulous sometimes
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
