You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I think I sprained my soul last night
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize