Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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