There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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