your thong is hanging out like whoa
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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