woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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