Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
