so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
