you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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