Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
