She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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