I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
