So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
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