The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
there is glitter all over my balls
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
