the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
