What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
