I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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