I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
