I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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