It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
It's shark week go big or go home
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
