just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I stole a fireplace last night.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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