a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize