shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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