If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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