Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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