I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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