she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
