I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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