after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize