Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize