she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
