btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize